Do you know where you will be this day 5 years from now? What will life look like? Where will you be? Is there a specific experience you hope to be having? Have you reflected back on the previous 5 years and consider that where you are now, right now, as you read this, that this is what you would have considered to be?
Too much in the details
This was a picture of me, about 4 years ago. I was maintaining certain amount of survival, you know.... the smile that hid the unsurmountable feelings of fear and dread. Having spent most of the last 10 years in fight or flight mode, my nervous system was whittling any self esteem, purpose, trust in myself or even life for that matter to nil.
I was creating huge amounts of suffering within myself with putrid amounts of self hate, self harm and self loathing, blaming all my external circumstances and the demise of a toxic unhealthy marriage was months away.
If you mentioned to me that I would be sitting here today in 2021 living the life of my biggest dreams on the West Coast, with peace, found freedom within and a glimmer of relief from the pain and chaos, I would undoubtedly be skeptical, wonder how I would possibly achieve it and stress myself out with all the whats, whys, hows, wheres and whens. This is what I know now.....
"Pain pushes until the Vision pulls" - Micheal Beckwith
Enjoying the scenery along the way
This experience taught me that it is in the little unnoticeable moments that you move into life that propel you forward. The decisions, the choices and the actions that you make, take, breath into and surrender to, that create the foundation for which you move into the next moment.
Today, the scenery might look treacherous, maybe a bit scary and a bit rocky, tomorrow, you may wake up to a beautiful sunshine and sweet songs of melody from the birds outside your window and all skies clear for a productive joyful experience. However, no matter the experience you may be having, these are moments that you get to decide what you want your life to consist of.
If it is treacherous in moments, is there possibility to see opportunity? Is there darkness seeking to be brought into the light? You may be questioning me, and wondering......
"Tracy, how can I possibly seek opportunity when I feel like my life is crumbling, or I am struggling in an area in my life?"
Please hear me when I say, I hear you, and you are not alone. You got this.
In your frightened or scared, or however you may be experiencing in that time, or moment - Pause. Breathe.
Life has a way to bring us to our knees to embrace our own divinity, our own power, our own being-ness so that we can truly shine without our armour and guards.
What do you see? Who do you see? What do you hear? And then let your awareness fall, breathe into your pain, and surrender.
The road is rocky. Let it be rocky. Invite the hard in and love it.
This is the journey.... a million steps forward, breathing into the hard, allowing, surrendering.
Then one day, you may wake up to the birds, the sun beaming into your bedroom, and you feel full, joy, gracious, and peace.
You are still on the same road. Just different scenery.
What do you see? Who do you see? What do you hear? and then let your awareness fall - Pause. Breathe. Yes... breathe that in too. Remember what it feels like.
Cerro Negro, Nicaragua
I went on this epic trip with a friend to Leon, Nicaragua in 2016. We had decided to have some fun and ride a board down Cerro Negro, which is an active volcano. It is the youngest of the most active volcanoes in Nicaragua, and is the most active, erupting every twenty years. The last eruption was in 1999, so this was pretty close to the timeline. This extreme activity is listed in CNN on their list of 50 crazy things you must do before you die!
Yes.... we were a little afraid!
To board down this active volcano, you must first hike up to the top, carrying your board, in a bright orange jumpsuit (to keep your skin safe from extreme rashing if you so tumble down or crash), and goggles in dry HOT tropical weather! So what am I trying to get at here.......
The trek began, and I remember taking a look to scope out the top of the volcano. Standing back, I was feeling trepidatious, as to how long this would take, would I be safe... like is this volcano going to erupt at any time??
In the long single file line up, us adventure seekers began the climb. Boards on our back, or however was most comfortable to carry, head down and step by step we moved up the hot blazing volcanic rock.
I remember focusing on my feet, and keeping steady with each step I took.
I have a slight fear of heights, so looking around did not seem comfortable at the time. My nervous system was on overload with all the factors taken into consideration.
After what seemed like an hour ... or more... (I may be exaggerating) I remember the line came to a halt. The wind had picked up. We were moving forward and around the mountain side to work along a ridge that centred between the smouldering (alive, might I add) crater and the long steep decent to nothingness.
I briefly took a peek at my surroundings, paused, and took a breath into the magnificent beauty that was being presented to me. We were halfway, and I could see miles upon miles of vastness landscape that made up of this Central American geography.
As the wind took a big gust, my board shook like a kite, shaking my steadiness and back down my focus went to my feet, and the sturdy ground beneath.
It was here, that I became aware of the necessity of the small steps. If I focused on the actuality or the possibilities of what this adventure could possibly bring in consequences, I may have made a different choice, or been so focused on that idea/story that I may have created not a very enjoyable experience for myself.
However, in my bringing my awareness to the simplicity of steps that I can take, control, and move into, I realized that I create a foundation in one little step. then the next step leads to another foundation for the next.
Soon thereafter, we find ourselves at the top.
As everyones laughter, joy and nervousness excitement rumbles, we bleakly glance down the dark black volcanic rock. The journey continues... and uncertainty at its highest. We were so high up, you actually couldn't see the bottom where we would finish our slide. Gulp.
I was having a moment of wondering ... Do I let go, and try to push my limits with how fast I board down this volcano? Do I ease into it, keep it slow and steady until I feel comfortable to go a bit faster? Or Do I just go crazy and get a real good adrenaline rush with no idea if I survive?! LOL....
What would you do? How do you enter the unknown? Are you a lets jump and see what happens kind of person? hahaha...
I went with my first instinct. I would allow myself to be comfortable, however, If I am only going to experience this once in my lifetime, you bet your bottom dollar that I am gonna make this a good one to remember!!!
Please note... very important step to consider. This board is designed to slide faster by leaning back. Slide slower by leaning forward. What do you think is your natural instinct to do when your not really thinking very clearly?!?! Thats right... lean back to slow down.... not a good idea!!!!!!!!
Lessons Learned
My experiences thus far, and I continue to count on, have proven to me that this Life is an experience, a Journey. We will see vast landscapes, a bazillion moments will be experienced, and we get to choose how we respond, experience, live, embrace, enjoy, and surrender too.
How can you move forward into the richness of your life? What will you view as beauty? How can you feel the richness of all experiences?
Become that which you desire. Its achievable. I believe it to the core of my being. I believe in me, and I believe in you.
Thank you for reading,
Much Love,
Tracy
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